Most people love the idea of travelling or dream of holidays spent in the sun. For me, those ideas send fear through my bones in which implode in my mind. The anxiety I have attached to travelling has always conquered my life. The anxiety builds up when I know I won’t be home by nightfall. I could be millions of miles alway from home, but if I know I will be back at home to sleep my anxiety will be none existent.
I’ve never really understood where this came from. I remember being as young as 10, calling my parents to come pick me up halfway through a sleepover. Or when I used to go camping with Cubs/Scouts I would never make it through the night without calling my mum to drive miles to come get me from the middle of nowhere. My excuse? I just couldn’t be there. It’s unexplainable this feeling of needing to go home. I also have no childhood bad experiences that could link this anxiety to evening/night time routines. All I know is that I find it tremendously difficult relaxing and sleeping in different environments.
So as you can imagine our trip to Barcelona started off extremely difficult. As soon as we arrived at our hotel and we were in our room I basically broke down. Full blown panic attack, all I knew is that I wanted to go home, I needed to go home. As much as I begged, and as much as Bradley got frustrated he didn’t give in, which now I am so grateful for as I know I would never go on holiday again, and that my whole life would be restricted by four walls.
Constantly ringing my Mum helped tremendously throughout our holiday. She used to suffer from a similar anxiety. When I was young I remember her and my father left our holiday early because of how bad her anxiety was affecting her, and she has regretted that decision ever since, as it held her back 12 years. This October she is heading on her first out-of-UK holiday since our trip to Florida 4380 days ago. I couldn’t be more proud of her, she’s always been such an inspiration to me, the strongest woman I know.
All I now know is that you cannot give in. You need to fight the anxiety, and let it know that you are better than this and that it cannot control who you are or who you are going to become. Even if you’re crying your eyes out and throwing up you will get over it. I am over the moon of how I managed to get through something that at the time felt impossible.
After the first four days of continuous shaking and worrying, I began to calm down and the last 6 days were absolutely wonderful, and I forgot what made me so anxious in the first place. I now feel a new confidence in myself and cannot wait for our holiday next year.
Always choose fight over flight.