It’s tough. It’s tough not being ‘back’ in my pre-pregnancy body. I bounced back so quickly after Theodore’s birth in 2017, that I just expected the same to happen this time. But here I am, 12 weeks postpartum, still looking 12 weeks pregnant.
I won’t lie, it’s getting me down.
Nothing fits, so every morning I have a battle in the mirror trying to find something that looks at least half nice. Before Zach, I had such a flat tummy, that I could wear fitted tight clothes all the time, so I did. But now my wardrobe is full of fitted tight clothes that just look so awful on me right now. Which means I’m angrily low on clothes and repeat wearing the same 3 outfits again and again.
Though, a positive note, I do think my belly is slowly going down still. They say it takes 9 months for your body to grow a baby and it’ll take another 9 to return to normal. So I’m still holding out hope.
I know I shouldn’t fixate on the shape and size of my body so much, but my mind can’t help but constantly go there. I’ve always been slim, I’ve always had a flat stomach, so it’s just taking me a while to adjust.
I’ve taken up some exercise at least. I now go for a run twice a week and do about 5 miles. Not only is it (hopefully) helping me lose weight and tonne up. But mentally, wow! Those endorphins from running in all that fresh air are amazing! I return from a run feeling pumped and motivated.
This is a tough one to talk about for me. After years of knowing something just wasn’t right with my heart they’ve found the answer.
Well, lots of answers.
After a long discussion with my cardiologist, he managed to convince me to start beta-blockers. Something I have not ever wanted to get on. I like to live my life without medication, I hate the side effects they can give you and frankly I’ve always wanted to just ‘get on’ with what I’ve got but after being told without them I would only live a short life, well, I was scared.
To decide to go on these meds for the next 60 years, live through side effects like weight gain, depression and fatigue, or to hold out hope I don’t have a heart attack at the age of 40 if I don’t start them right away.
Part of me wanted to be selfish. To stay away from the meds and just see what way life takes me. But, with two young children who would only be teenagers when I reach the age of 40, I decided to do it for them. So that I can be there for as long as possible, even if I was numb.
Even though we don’t want any more children, my cardiologist has told me I should think twice about getting pregnant again. Pregnancy and labour have had such a massive strain on my heart both times and he doesn’t think it could cope with another. I was happy enough at our decision to have no more but to be told by a professional not to sort of hits me different.
Apart from feeling a little bummed out about my body image at the moment, I’m doing so well. Life has just returned to normal so quickly after having Zach it’s like he was always here. Zach has filled that little space in our lives so perfectly and I’ve never felt more complete than I do now.
Though I do know that the nights are drawing in and winter is coming and that is usually when my mental health starts to slowly decrease since I suffer with seasonal affective disorder. So I do expect an anxious wobble to come my way but I’m hoping that I have the power and knowledge to not let it affect me so badly this year.
If you think you might suffer from PPD then please reach out. I silently suffered for so long with my firstborn, you don’t have to!