I suddenly blinked and I went from being pregnant to being 6 weeks postpartum in a matter of moments. Postpartum is so different the second time around, I thought I knew what to expect, but it has been a lot different from my previous pregnancy.
My Body Shape
The two births were completely different. Theodore’a being long painful and traumatic, Zach’s being quick painless and wonderful. With Theodore‘s birth although a terrible experience all round and a very long recovery both physically and mentally my body still seemed to return to its pre-pregnancy state quite quickly.
Whereas with Zach, my body has definitely changed to a point where I’m not sure if it will ever be the same again. I’m left with an empty little pouch, which luckily I never experienced with Theodore.
So although I am physically feeling 100% and I mentally feel so happy compared to last time, I am struggling with getting to terms to the fact that this body might not ever be something I’m happy with again.
Though some people may think I look great or perhaps better than they look, I think this is a lot about how I mentally see myself rather than what other people may see. I am finding it difficult to feel confident in some clothes that I would’ve happily wore pre Zach. I shy away from anything that’s tightly fitted right now – and I used to love my flat stomach before, I never had a problem with it.
Though, on a positive note, I am determined to get my body back into a shape and size I’m happy with. I have started dieting again and using My Fitness Pal, and I have taken up running again to try up my fitness levels, tone up my body and give me those natural endorphins we all crave. I’ve been dieting 3 weeks now and have so far lost 3lbs.
It’s less about the number on the scales for me though. It’s about finding that pleased feeling when I look in the mirror, rather than a sense of hatred.
I actually physically felt 100% so soon after giving birth. Around an hour after his birth I was up, walking around with no pain. I could have easily gone home if they’d not wanted to keep Zach in. I was full of adrenaline for hours simply because the birth just went so well. It was one of the best moments of my life.
At one point the midwife re-entered the room after Zach’s arrival and stated that Brad looked in worst shape than me! Much to my amusement I totally agreed. Though bless he only got 1 hours sleep that night. Even though I did tell him I felt like he should get an early night because something was definitely happening. Men ey?!
Wow – I didn’t know you could feel so great after having a baby. I thought how I was feeling after Theodore was the norm, that you would feel down, tearful and have no connection to your baby at first. That couldn’t be further than the truth with Zach. I felt instant love and connection with Zach. I felt amazed and proud of myself.
I realised now how awfully depressed I was after Theodore. I never realised the severity of how that birth effected me for up to over a year after. If you feel this way, please reach out for help, its really not normal – I made the mistake of thinking it was.
I’ve experienced birth on both ends of the scale. A scary, long, traumatic birth and a wonderful, quick and straight forward birth. Each of which brought me, my two gorgeous boys, which I could never be more thankful for having.
And even though each birth was completely different I am SO proud of myself for both of them. I pulled through the scary time with Theodore and managed to turn that anxiety into control and power to then birth Zach.
Zach’s birth has healed me. I am no longer feeling like this weak, incapable woman. I feel powerful, strong and now like I can do ANYTHING.
I am beyond thankful for what my body has achieved.