Before I became pregnant, I wouldn’t dream of randomly starting up a conversation in the middle of Tesco with a woman, JUST because she was pregnant. You know why? Because I ain’t a nosey fucker and can happily stay out of some stranger’s business – I don’t need to know the ins and outs of her pregnancy, and she doesn’t need to hear my thoughts about it. SIMPLE…?! You would think, so wouldn’t you?!
It’s not just strangers in the supermarket, or old women in cafés, its family and friends too. Some of their comments and suggestions are lovely and I know the advice isn’t supposed to be taken to heart, but come-on… I don’t want to hear it!
So, here’s a list of “Things You Shouldn’t Say to a Pregnant Woman”, read it to protect yourself from the raft of me or any other pregnant woman… we don’t wanna hear it!
“ARE YOU SURE IT’S NOT TWINS?!”
Yes, I’m bloody sure it isn’t twins you nit-twit. Not sure if you knew but you get these things called scans and you can see inside your womb and can see your baby?! Isn’t that wonderful…?! I’ve seen him 4 times now… there’s only one in there.
“YOU’RE SO BIG. YOU’LL NEED A C-SECTION”
Instead of calling pregnant women big, please choose a better ‘b’ word, like beautiful. It isn’t difficult. Being pregnant makes many women feel ugly-as-shit. So, any uplifting words of encouragement on our appearance would be GREAT. Also – Are you a doctor? A midwife? No? Then don’t assume we’ll be needing a C-section. We’ve already thought about the thousands of possibilities that could happen during birth. We don’t need reminding and we don’t need your input.
“SORRY, I DIDN’T INVITE YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE PREGNANT”
Oh… Cheers! Just because I’m pregnant doesn’t mean I’ve lost my ability to have fun. Yes I can’t drink alcohol right now… but did I ever before I was pregnant?
“BETTER GET ALL THE SLEEP YOU CAN BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE”
I swear this is what I’ve heard the most of. Yes, we all know babies don’t sleep much, and that they wake up numerous times through the night. Did you think I wasn’t aware of this before I got pregnant? And I can’t just magically ‘get all the sleep’ I need – It’s hard to sleep whilst pregnant you know.
“NO DON’T BREASTFEED”
I was SO surprised to hear this off people once I became pregnant. Mostly of close friends and family – and their only reasoning is that they don’t want me with my boob out around them? “No one wants to see that”. Well, Barbra, I don’t particularly like seeing your face but I’ve gotta deal with it.
“BEING PREGNANT MAKES YOU HORMONAL”
Basically, in other words “you’re being a bitch”. And you know what… being pregnant DOES make you hormonal you thick shit… Now fetch me some salt and vinegar crisps and all this can be resolved
“WAS IT PLANNED?”
This one REALLY grinds at me. Just because me and Bradley are younger than what people might think a ‘normal’ age to try for a baby is, does not mean that this baby was at all a mistake. And what even gives people the right to ask this question?! It’s so rude and undermining to anyone. I bet you wouldn’t ask a 37 year old if their pregnancy was planned.
“SHOULD YOU REALLY EAT THAT?”
Please keep your mouths out of our diet. Do you not think we care about this tiny growing human inside us? Trust us, we’ve already read every do and don’t when it comes to what we should and shouldn’t be eating. You are not a doctor or a midwife so we don’t need to hear what you did or did not eat during your pregnancy.
*TOUCHES BELLY* – WITHOUT PROPER PERMISSION
This one is directed more at strangers. Friends and family don’t bother me too much about it as long as their not being weird or doing any strange hand-rubbing-movements, but PLEASE do not lift our tops up! You would never lift someones top up if they weren’t pregnant would you?! We might not want to show you our now hairy belly.
And strangers – just don’t even ask – you ain’t touching ma bump.
“WHEN WILL YOU GO BACK TO WORK?”
Excuse me?! I’ll get my ass back to work when you stop being a nosey twat and stop asking pregnant women endless amount of irrational questions Janet. If I had a penny for every time I’ve been asked this I wouldn’t need to go back to work.
“WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE THE NEXT ONE?”
I’m sorry, can I concentrate on pushing one watermelon-sized-human out of my vagina at once please. Stop lining up all my future children in your mind when I haven’t even got the first one done and dusted yet.
“ARE YOU SURE HE’S THE DAD?”
Just HOW fucking rude can someone get? Who? This guy I’m engaged to?! This guy I have been with for the past 6 years? The guy I lost my virginity too?! – Yeah I’m pretty fucking sure douche bag.
Now, there was many more ‘things’ that I wanted to add to this list, but even typing up about them was getting me all riled up and angry – so I think 12 is enough for now. Please take this lightheartedly, if you have asked me one of these things, don’t threat. Just… don’t do it again, please and thank you and goodnight.